Monday, May 07, 2007

A New Outlook

Shortly after my depressing post yesterday, I headed for the pantry and proceeded to eat several large marshmallows. Kitchen Tip: Marshmallows stay really fresh when you store them in zip-lock bags. As I was stuffing my face, I had the thought that admitting to stuffing my face with marshmallows is the kind of stuff that makes a blog enjoyable. Well, sort-of. It's just the kind of thing that makes us relate to each other, maybe just the type of thing that draws us together and elicits comments like "OMG! I do that TOO!" It gives us a sense of belonging.

And I think that might be it. I haven't really felt like I belong anywhere.

I really don't have any close friends here in Utah. I go cropping almost every month, and while it's an activity that I enjoy, I don't have anyone that I crop with on a regular basis, and the people I meet at the crops, I really like, but our 'friendship' never extends beyond that night of cropping.

I don't have a close relationship with my Mom - certainly not the kind where we can just go shopping together, or go get manicures together... I wouldn't even say that she's my closest confidant. We get along (now that I have my own house), but that seems to be about it.

My sister-in-law... don't get me started. I think that it's simply the age difference that separates us, but I feel like we are just on opposite sides of the world.

My other brother's girlfriend is awesome - but again, we are in such different places in our life, there's just not that much we have in common. And it's hard to get together with her, because I am totally entrenched with kids, and well, she's not. She's completely entrenched with my brother - as it should be.

Church - I love 'The Church', what it stands for, what I believe in. But the people associated with my church I could really care less for right now. I feel like nobody cares whether I am there or not (as it should be, I suppose, after all, church is for me, right?), but certainly doesn't care about getting to know me outside of church. I'm not just sitting on the sideline waiting to be involved either, I've invited people over, etc, but no one is really interested. They already have their friends, so why branch out?

And school? That is, my daughters school. I think things would be different if she attended a neighborhood school and all the kids lived in our neighborhood... but we're scattered all over the school district, so there aren't a lot of close relationships unless you live near someone... and you like them.

I want a buddy! I want someone to go walking with, to 'hang out' with while our kids go crazy, someone I can trust with my kids, someone who is the 'other mom' to my kids, someone I can confide in, someone who would never say TMI - at least not without laughing hysterically with you, someone who 'gets' me.

I'm lonely.

As it is, I can't do much about it rather than keep looking for my new friend. She's got to be out there somewhere, right?

So, since I'm stuck in this icky place of one-man's land, I guess it's just time to focus on me.

I say I want to lose weight - but obviously I don't act on it. Remember the marshmallows? I would love a clutter-free home - that will never happen - but I can take steps to improve it. I want to reach the end of the day and feel like I actually accomplished SOME of the things on the never-ending-list-of-things-to-do. I want my kids to be more than couch potatoes.

I think I know how to accomplish these things. Routines. I really don't like routines. They always seem too restrictive - though I know that GOOD routines actually have the tendency to 'free' you. Honestly, routines are simply habit. We all have routines, but some of them aren't so good like the routine where you wake up, transplant yourself to the couch, watch hours of TV, go to the pantry to eat some marshmallows, and then watch some more TV until it's time for dinner where you proceed to order a pizza. That, like it or not, is a routine. DISCLAIMER: While some of these aspects are similar to my life, I want you to know that is NOT my routine.

So I need some GOOD routines in my life. Ugh. Routines.

And UGH. I just reread my post, and now I'm not even sure where I was headed with this post. If you know where I was trying to go, please let me know.

On the bright side, I watched part of 'Clifford The Big Red Dog' with The Dragon this morning, and one topic discussed was "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Apparently Clifford wants to be a fireman. I asked the Dragon what she wants to be when she grows up and she says that "I'm going to be a kid." She's going to "sleep in the same bed, and play kid stuff all day." The Dragon says that she has to be a kid because "if I was an adult I would have to take showers and who would play with my yellow duckies?" Good point.

2 Comments:

Blogger dubby said...

I moved every three years the first 35 years of my life. I find it takes a whole year to find that new "kindred spirit" friend that you really feel comfortable with. Sometimes more, sometimes less. The church makes it more tolerable because there IS someone you can call in am emergency, but it isn't necessarily that close friend you miss.

It took me a lot longer here. I was really lonely until Diane and Lani moved in. Then things got better. Those were tough times, because it is when I was realizing the extent of Allen's ADHD problems and I really needed someone who cared.

6:45 AM  
Blogger Gail said...

Move to Santa Barbara :D Then you'll have ME! :)

Maybe BFFs are like boyfriends or significant others, you need to put yourself in the places they might find you and then hope for the best.

*hugs*

9:44 AM  

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