Monday, May 19, 2008

How About A Little More Of The Story?

I think the hardest part about blogging is telling the whole story. It is so hard to tell the most painful parts of your life - I really don't know how other bloggers do it. I realize, of course, that this is not a requirement of blogging. But sometimes it seems to me that if I were to put it all out there to begin with, I'd avoid a lot of confusion in the first place.

Some people have picked up on the fact that I have been extremely on edge lately. I anger easily. I'm very tired, stressed, and overwhelmed. Some of these feelings are almost "normal" for me. But right now, you should probably take those "normal" feelings and multiply it by ten. That would probably be closer to how I really feel.

Sometime during the end of March, my Dad started talking about leaving my Mom. Again. The first time this happened was about 7 years ago. I was pregnant at the time, wasn't feeling well, and really couldn't handle this news very well. Everything was up in the air for a long time. And then, finally, he left.

It was the week before The Princess' baptism.

The day before The Princess' baptism was the day I started to lose Nemo.

And my Dad completely lost his mind.

As you know, I miscarried. I don't blame my Dad for this (even though it's tempting - I would love to be able to blame someone for this), nor do I blame anyone else. But man, the timing sure sucked.

Well, since then, I've been playing this stupid game where the object of the game is not to tell The Princess and The Dragon that Grandpa moved out of Grandma's house. It's been challenging, but we've managed it. For several weeks, I held out hope that maybe my Dad would change his mind and come home. It was possible. After all, he'd done this before. I figured that if everything went back to normal, the girls wouldn't need to know about it.

I also thought (and still strongly believe) that it was my Dad's responsibility to break the news to his family. He still hasn't. For that matter, he has offered everyone an explanation of his logic... everyone except me and my family. I'll admit it, there's a pretty big grudge being held here. But if you have the balls to leave your wife, then you should have the balls to tell people what you are doing and why.

Today we told the girls about Grandma and Grandpa. They seemed to handle it well, but I think their true reaction will show itself in the coming weeks. They do know that their Grandma and Grandpa still love them very much, and I suppose that is a good thing. We went to dinner tonight with everyone but Grandpa. Everything seemed fine until I overheard a little voice saying "I wish Grandpa were here."

I love The King and our two beautiful little girls. Sometimes I think they are all I need in life. As long as we are together, I have all that I could ever possibly need. I'm so sorry that they are getting the worst parts of me right now. But right now, I really don't have anything left to give.


Blogger Lara said...

You know, I don't believe for one minute that divorce is easier on adult children. I mean, in some ways, yes it is. But the emotional blow is still there and it's hard. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and having to explain it all to your girls.

I hope you get to feeling better soon! ((hugs))

10:06 PM  
Blogger Cheri said...

Wow! I had no idea. I'm there for you babe. You've had a rough couple of months there. I'm so sorry you have had to go through this. I hope that things get easier in the coming days and months.

1:29 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

I still remember the night that Luke's parents came over to our apartment to tell us that they were getting divorced. It was awful. My kids still don't quite understand why Grandpa has a new wife and Grandma has a boyfriend - and it's been 8 years!

Sending you hugs and prayers.

10:38 PM  

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